I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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