I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
