I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Randomize
