After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
