i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I am available for nakedness
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
