she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
