I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize