god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
