I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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