You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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