I skipped work to stalk him.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
