paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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