I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
