I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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