clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Come on in and take your pants off
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
