hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
