I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
