if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
