I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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