Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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