you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
