Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
