Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
