i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
