The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
