3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
