she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
