turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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