It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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