And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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