as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
