They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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