Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
