tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
