well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
