her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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