Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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