OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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