I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize