if you like me you must not know who I am
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
