you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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