Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize