How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
