you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize