I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize