he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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