ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
