I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
