I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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