I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
