This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
