kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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