I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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