you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Sext me about skeletons
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
