I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
