Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
