My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize