Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize