When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
