If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
