and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
